Du temps perdu

2006-08-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hello imaginary blog world. It's been a while since I posted and I apologize, but it's not like there is anyone out there that reads my blog anyway! I had an interesting conversation with my grandmother right before coming to the coffeehouse where I am currently typing this email. My grandmother was telling me about how fortunate I am and how God has brought me this far. I didn't dispute because it was true, but then the conversation moved to how I should go to church because she promised my mother. I didn't dispute because I promise is a promise, but I don't want to break the news to them one by one that I don't see the value in going to Church. Ok, so sue me, but it seems so irrelevant to me because going to church and being spiritual to me are so unrelated. My ideas of church are:

Preachy
boring
conformity ( not just conformity but discouragement from any free-thinking thought process)
indoctrination
a slight tinge of bigotry
and for me, it's just not practical

This list is not exhausted, and I have no qualms with God. I just don't see the need because to me it seems that one has to subscribe to a certain belief system that at it's base has more to do with idealogy, dogma, and indoctrination, and less to do with God. Maybe I am being cynical, but I am being me and I am comfortable with that. 'Til next time!

One Week Later

2006-08-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well a week has passed since receiving that ill-timed Dear John, from my old girlfriend and I must say that things are going well; I'm not hyperventilating and we've corresponded here and there. But tha's just the issue for me. I send her emails because I just have to. I like just saying hello and recounting funny things to her that happen in my daily life. But in a sense I don't want to inhibit her moving on process, although I am not arrogantly assuming that she is having a problem. I would never know sense she's in Austria, but I can assume that she's doing fine because I am doing relatively fine. It's quite a delicated issue, but in the same respects, I said that I wasn't going to mill about this time with my friends and family and just take control of my own relationship and situation. I will just keep doing what I am and if she doesn't want to continue she can just simply let me know. The thing is that we didn't have a bad break-up, and quite frankly the only thing that has changed is that we will not be going to London together. But that doens't mean that we can't correspond? I figure that when I our lives grown so seemingly apart then we will naturally just not correspond and that will be it. No "going out with a bang" just the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. I am just not one for burning bridges, and why overreact?

I Long for Days like These!

2006-08-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

Today at the university where I work there was a conference that lasted all day. The cool thing about that is that it left me in the office all to myself while the staff attend the conference without me. Oh joy! That meant that I could spend the day searching the internet, and when I felt like it, type something for the director. Also, things here are looking brighter. Well the pay is still bleak as ever, but I will be the director's assistant, and I will therefore be more occupied that before. I will have meaningful work. That's great because that passes the time, and I feel like I am accomplishing something.

Outside of that, couldn't be better. I often think about my old squeeze, but each day that passes my coping skills grow stronger exponentially. I have also discovered a couple of books at the library that I cannot manage to tear myself from. I found a collection of essays by George Orwell that are magnificent, along with a volume of the de Beauvouir autobiography which is exquisite. It makes me mad that I didn't get the version in French when I was in France because I feel like the essence of her writing is lost in the translation. But it's a great read. And I noticed today that the book I have on hold arrived at the library today, "Conservatism without a Conscience," John Dean. There will be more promising rants about the rising fascist government in the US. I promise! Til then be vigilant because, "We are safer than before, but still not safe!"

2006-08-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday started like every other Sunday. I woke up, drank a cup of tea, a cigarette, and then waited to call my girlfriend in Austria at two o'clock. But this time was different because I knew that it wouldn't be the normal conversation of just catching up on our week with each other, coupled with a sprinkling of jokes and laughs. This Sunday I was prepared to tell her that I didn't get into the internship and consiquently, it was the official end of our relationship, and effectively, our future plans that we had faithfully planned to follow.

With that said I carried the conversation as long as I could, and it was going well. There wasn't a hint of sadness and it began like any other conversation that we'd had the previoius Sundays, but the last twenty minutes everything would change because she had already noticed a change in weekly correspondence as I went three days without sending an email. In the back of her mind she knew that I didn't succeed with the program.

I was surprise for a second because she sounded very composed, which in turn allowed me to keep my composure. We talked as if we were negociating the final details of a contract, or a cease-fire rather. These would be the conditions, and these here are the conessions, and in the end "I'm an going to England all alone. But that would be good for my career because I want to teach English." But there was no hint of breaking all ties. That would come the day after.

I received an email Monday at work. There were two actually and they both contained very sexy photos of her, with text that read, "Si ca te fait trop mal de voir des photos, je m'arreterai." Well it was clear that seeing those photos really hurt because all I could think of were the other vultures, "men" waiting in line to pick-up where I left off. And every man has these thoughts after leaving a girl he loved. But the email was long, recounting all our wonderful moments along with all our plans we have made for England. It was so heavy that I couldn't read the email initially because I feared I would cry at work. But towards the end of the day I read it and then sent my response. In the end she stated that it's better that we didn't talk to each other and that she would call me before leaving for England. She also said that she was really hurt but was certain that we were in love. Well that went without saying.

I kept my composure all day at work because the pressures of work allow one to forget, but once I got in the car and readied myself to drive home I was so overwhelmed with grief that I thought I was going to faint. I was having that same creeping feeling, as if something were under my skin, that I get when I smoked so much pot that I all I wanted to do is black-out and wake up the next mourning because the high was just too overwhelming. I made it home okay, but these past two days have been the hardest. It's hard because it's truly hard to give up someone you love. It's hard dating a foreigner sometimes being that laws are hard to manipulate, and my emotional stamina had been wiped-out in this process. The only concession is that I feel that I have a friend for life, and after this initial period of grief, a great friendship will come out of it. Or maybe the whole thing will wander off into the obscurity of my wonderful memories of my experience in France.

It's Official + 5 Concessions

2006-08-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

Well it's official. I haven't heard back from the internship program, but my returning flight to Paris was today and I did not change the flight in time so that I didn't lose the ticket. In a sense it really sucks because I really wanted to do the program so that I could be with my Belle, but I am slightly relieved because there is some closure to that chapter. It's one of those situations where one says, "I can start the grieving process." Now I am grieving but I will move on, and beautiful California awaits me!

5 Concessions for staying (in no particular order):

5. I get to see the birth of my brothers first child!!!!

4. Opening day of the college football season, and the season for that matter! (Fuck'em up, fuck'em up, GO CU!)

3. I get a chance to paddened my savings account, something I've never done.

2. Getting the opportunity to start my adult life and volunteering with the France-American Chamber of Commerce.

1. Living in the Bay Area and joining the Raider Nation!

As with most things in life, a loss also signifies a gain. My girlfriend is truly remarkable and I will never be able to find love like that again. I will find love, but it will be different. But that's a good thing too. But now I know that I don't need to settle for just good enough, and that's one good thing that she tought me. In the same, after the first time that I visited the Bay I knew that I would live there one day, so in a sense I don't loathe my misfortune with the internship. It's exciting sometimes to just step out into the unknown and try to carve out my proper space in a new place. Hell, I did that in France and look at all the pleasure that brought me. And by the way, France I will be back and you never know the next time may be for good!!!

A Visit

2006-08-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the opportunity of having another assistant that I met in France come and visit me. He lives in Kentucky, which is just up the highway from me, and we both share the same sentiment for wanting to escape this black-hole that we have come to call Dixie! It was quite funny how we met; we arrived at the orientation in Reims, France, and we both appeared to be the two most shy people at the center so naturally we would be drawn to each other. I was very intimidated because everyone was rattling off in French, even the Anglophones were speaking French to each, and I was intimidated because after all my years in French class my hopes of speaking French were shattered after spending a week in Paris. By the time that I had met Tyler, my would be girlfriend unbeknownst to us both, had just insulted me and my competence in French. In a conversation in French, she finally forfeited and suggested "That it would be easier to just speak in English." Mind you that she is Austrian!

So I saw Tyler standing there, looking as if he were German. We talked and discovered that we had similar interests:, we're both chain smokers, jazz, European women, and a general happiness to be out of the United States and the Republican wave that was sweeping the country. This was happening during the time right after hurricane Katrina, so I was so excited to leave because it was just "Hot!" Leaving the country during all that grieving was the best thing for me after waking everyday and crying after watching the news and listening to the radio. It was just too hot!!

Throughout the whole period in France I never saw Tyler again, after making numerous attempts to contact him. He was too bogged down with the GRE and graduate school apps. Needless to say, he didn't finish the whole process and currently finds himself in a rut, but that happens sometimes.

So we talked and went to a used album store here in town, and afterwards we went back to my house and discussed our future plans a little bit. I worked with a student group in which I assisted students coming and going from overseas internships while at uni. Part of the program was counseling students who were returning from abroad and how to deal with reverse culture shock. I didn't think that it was possible, but after two months here I totally believe in it. It seems that it has taken an even greater toll on Tyler because he told me that he was having an even harder time finding his motivation. He didn't finish his grad-school apps and now he's like me, looking for the next city to move to. He's thinking Seattle, me San Francisco. But it's evidence that in a sense we're both somewhat kendrid spirits because our personalities are quite similar, we have a low tolerance for bullshit, we like soothing eclectic abstract music, and our complete disliking of Bush and Republican politics. It was also good because it gave us the opportunity to encourage each other and basically bounce our ideas off of each other to have the other one say, "That's a great idea, why didn't I think of that," or "yeah man you should run with that!"

It's just a testiment that my assistant ship in France I believe was positioning me for something greater for the future. I find it easier and easier to go with my gut instinct after that trip. I want to be moving, but making sure that I am moving in the right direction, constantly asking myself if this current position in life falls in line somewhere with my short-term/long-term goals. Not for the money, but all for the love. With the contacts that I made, I now have friends near and afar, and made one day we can work and encourage each other. I believe in conncections and because of the trip I made 10-15 solid ones. I can't help but reminisce, but that's my fuel that keeps my motor running. It keeps me going. It's the tiger in my tank.

Un coup de realite

2006-08-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

This has been the most pressing week for me as it becomes more clear that my hopes for going to London have practically been extenguished. I am tremendously saddened over the outcome, but I don't really know how to handle the situation emotionally. I was talking to the assistant director of the department where I work, just to vent, and I found that by venting sometimes, I find clairity more and more.

My conclusion is that because we had a really great relationship, even though our future is over we can still remain friends. A year ago I would have never understand this concept because I never understood how one would want to befriend their ex's, but if any new girlfriend were to tell me to stop all contact with my current, soon to be ex, I would tell her to shove it. It is so hard to deal with in the sense that even though we have already been away from each other for three months, we never really started the mourning process, because even when we left it was under the pretext that we were getting back together. Now it is almost official and I cry internally, but crying is pointless at this point. Now all I have are many pictures, videos, great memories, and a link with someone that will always go unmatched. I will keep in touch with her and I will always want to hear the progress that she is making in her life because above all she is a great friend. It's just sucks to have something that good and then lose it, even if we knew the end from the beginning. I guess that's the worst part, knowing the end from the beginning.

Why I hate the South (Nashville)

2006-08-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

I feel that I am qualified because I was born and bred here in the South, specifically Nashville. After discussing life in Nashville I have concocted a list of reasons why I must leave Nashville, and the South a soon as possible.

10. Public transportation is archaic, and only used by the poor and minorities.

9. Traffic jams that rival major citites.

8. The cities resistance to build mass transit infrastructure.

7. Noticeable segration in neigborhoods and the work place.

6. Feeling the pressure that I have to pick sides, and join group xyz, or be a part of fraternity xyz, to advance.

5. Closemindedness of both black and white, often worse by blacks.

4. Being perceived as "white" when you want to advance yourself, and leave the "black-community".

3. Talk of the black community as if it were the land of utopian "kumbaya" where everyone gets along.

2. Racism.........reverse racism.

1. Fat people.

I also want to add the over-religionization of the region. I really get sick of the "have a blessed day" greetings and salutations and all that. That's just another way of saying that we belong to the same "group" or train of thought. I am sick of blind Republicanism and Bush supporters here. Also, the evangical view of the world and how everything is related to the Bible and God willing. I will love leaving this place and having a decent, conversation where someone can level with me.

Awaiting a Potential Letdown

2006-07-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

There is nothing harder than waiting to hear bad news that you were already expecting, but that is exactly the situation that I find myself in. Back in January I decided to apply to an internship in London which was in a way hedging my bets. My initial motivation was having the opportunity to continue to live in Europe (or Britain) and hopefully continue my relationship with my friend that I had met in France. I made the decision on my own, but she then agreed to pursue the idea with me, as this was basically the only chance that we had of continuing our relationship. Let it be known that falling in love with a foreigner can have strange and harsh reprocussions. In this instance culture and racial differences didn't play a role, but simply the laws of the land are preventing us from moving forward.

The irony is that I thought that my position with the internship was a shoe-in, and that she would have the hard part of being accepted to an assistanship in Britain. She applied to the program after the deadline, placed on a waiting list, and furthermore the chances of being placed in or near London were slim to none. She even prolonged her mandatory student-teaching position in Austria in order to pursue the program, i.e. the relationship.

The reality up to the point is that I am still waiting, having fulfilled all my preliminary obligations, while she has been granted a position and lodging, and her town is not at all far from London. All the pressure came to a head yesterday while talking to her for our weekly phone conversation. I tried tremendously to avoid the subject as possible, thinking that total negligence would grant us one more week of naive bliss, but her persistance would not allow the conversation to end without knowing the progress of the process.

I let go of my inhibitions a little and was brutally honest for a second, admitting that I don't feel confident about my chances, and quickly recanted as I could here the despair in her voice. This shocked me because normally her attitude is, "Well you tried, but I can't wait for you." You see, in normal parlance she has this stroke of independence that could scare any man, no matter how strong he is, but this time it was a little different. She asked what my plans were in the event that I don't go, and I fired away.

"Well, I am working to save money, buying a car, and then moving to California. I also have a plan to volonteer.........."

At the end of my diatribe she sounded even more disheartened because evidently it seemed that I had taken considerable thought to this plan, delivering it with such ease that it suggested that I had already moved on. Needless to say I could hear the hurt in her voice, and this hurt me even more. I just didn't know what to do, but I owed it to her to give her the harsh reality. The sad thing is that she rearranged her short-term life to be with me and I feel as if I betrayed her; I wasn't able to deliver. It isn't supposed to happen like this.

Even worse, it happened like this the night before her birthday.

The good news is that I will find out definitely at the end of the week.

Bitter-sweet Sick Days

2006-07-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night, the unthinkable happened to me; I fell sick to the stomach flu. It started out as a normal day; I woke up, went to work, came home and ate, then ran errands to the grocery so forth. Nothing out of the ordinary. I laid down on the couch to watch a little public television when it suddenly hit me. Out of nowhere it felt as if this large concrete mass was solidifying in my stomach, and the process seemed rather instantaneous. I knew that this was not going to be pretty and I could sense that I would soon be kneeling, gripping, and passing out over the the toilette. I was hoping that I was wrong and that maybe I could get away with a bad case of gas when suddenly the first round hit me. I rushed to the bathroom, and by this time, annoyed with the back and forth, I heaved until I got everything bothering me outside of my system and in the bottom of the toilette. The backlash was horrendous!

But this was not the end. I subsequently had three more bouts with this that night, and I took one alka-seltzer that seemed to work, until I was awaken at 2am. From then on I vommited until night-time Thursday. It was horrible and the part that upsets me most is that it cost me two days off of work.

These were the roughest two days that I have had in a while. It made all my worries seem obsolete as all I could think about was overcoming my illness. For someone were is relatively very healthy, this came as a shock because I am rarely sick. We're talking maybe one cold a season, but this took me by storm. Luckily one of the days off of work was also a payday, therefore, as I soon recouperated, I had a little money and lots of time on my hands to roll around Nashville, takin' care of business.

Noches Calientes

2006-07-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

This Saturday I was invited out by someone that I had previously met that morning, to accompany her to a nightclub to do some salsa dancing. I felt that I could not say no, and I immediately regretted agreeing to going because that meant that I would have to break my normal saturday routine of loafing around on the couch, smoking cigarettes, and watching foreign movies. By seven o'clock that afternoon I had become a little excited because it seemed like I would be stood-up, but finally she called. I sprang out of bed a little more upset after finding out that there was a cover charge of $10, and even a little more after wondering that it may be expected of me to buy drinks for her. It could have been that I was just being entirely too misantropic being that I had committed to spending a night out with someone that I barely knew.

So we arrived at the venue in downtown Nashville to an empty club with maybe ten couples there for lessons before the actual dancing began. I was very shy but I didn't let that stop me because I didn't want my date to feel uncomfortable. It was just very hard to touch another girl, let alone that I couldn't stop thinking about my girlfriend who is half-way across the world. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me so.....

Needless to say, we needed a lot of help. The benefit of needing help meant that we received much personal instruction from the dance instructors. But first, let me describe the female dance instructor. She was a petite, lovely browned Columbian woman, with a beautiful smile, and nice long hair. Coupled with those features, she had a nice accent and could dance any mans socks off. Each time we attemped to dance, I feigned ineptitude attempting to catch the attention of the female instuctor. Oh the sounds of "Lait me help you," sounded so good coming from her and I was most willing to oblige. I couldn't help blushing every time, but I am sure that she was accustomed to that. But that was only the beginning because once the band entered the stage, the club began to fill up.

I felt as if I were living a movie; I had no idea that there were that many Colombians in Nashville. The dance floor was filled with so much movement, girls flying in the air, throught the legs, in circles, twirling around, and the old men had no problem keeping up with them. And there were even more Colombian girls there and they were so beautiful with their jet-black hair, lovely dresses and high-heeled shoes. And to top it off, those hip girations through me for a tailspin and a guilt trip because I was supposed to be enjoying my date. Let alone, I still couldn't stop thinking about my girlfriend and the nights we spent clowning me about how I am the worst salsa dance there is.

Let it be said, that if you find yourself on a Saturday night in Nashville, you must check out BB Kings. I only wished that I had had my boys there, that way I could've had someone to share that experience with. Someone who could appreciate beautiful brown hunnies twirling around to the Afro-hispanico rythms of a swingin' salsa band.
Baila!

Graduation.....One Year Later

2006-07-20T20:37:00.001-07:00

It's been a little over a year since I walked about the front of the lecture hall in the Psyche building at the University of Colorado. It was a dreadful morning I must admit, because the night before I stayed up 'til 4am drinking with my buddies. Quite honestly, I almost missed the ceremony, and I was awaken by a call from my brother saying that he and my family were out in the car waiting for me. It was weird having my college life and my normal, family life blended together for that week as my parents never came to visit me one time while I was in Boulder.

It was a very unorganized ceremony, one befitting of the six years that I spent in Boulder, because it seemed like the faculty themselves had spent all night at the house next to mine, drinking and partying also. It was rushed and not at all how I had envisioned graduating from university when I was a young boy. It had the makings of a Vegas wedding at the White Chapel, with the impressions that even though it was a Vegas wedding the participants were determined to give it an air of class. But as I sat there watch my classmates cross the stage, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed as I knew that these days were gone forever, and that I would never have life this good again. The people that I called my friend would now be leaving to future endeavors, and it hurt even more because I realized how much I had taken their presence for granted.

A year later, we still keep in touch. In between then and now, I lived and worked in France, traveled, and even fell in love. Now I sit, waiting to hear from an internship program in London, also granting me the opportunity to continue on with my relationship which started in France. Just yesterday while sitting on the couch, I had a nostalgic moment and decided to call my friends; those are the four that I spent every day at university.

I started with my buddy "Half-Asian" who is the most resilient I know. He decided to enter another university after finishing his bachelor's with hopes of going to med-school and it's going to turn out that he is getting yet another degree. In the meantime, he has had an emergency surgery, and his father has gone under the knife for another experimental surgery to combat cancer. He told in a weak, solemn voice that this could be then last one for him and that it could end his father's career. This sounded sad, but I had heard this plenty of times so I took it as semi-good news because at least he is still hanging in there. I just don't know how he manages to live life with that type of constant pressure on him.

After that conversation I gave my other friend, "The Mechanic", a call to touch base. It was completely impossible to contact him while I was in France, and thought that maybe he was still holding a grudge against me for my actions with my old girlfriend in college. I then found out that while I had moved and released my ball-and-chain, he was still holding on tight to his. This past week his relationship came to a head as the results of it ended in a bar brawl, Western style.

But it was refreshing talking to the two because they know my qualities and they always encourage me. A year out of college, we have all had the revelation that life is not as certain as we thought it was while at university. That careless thought pattern we had in college allowed us all the fond memories, but to continue on that path would spell nothing but wasted time and talent. But we all talk of a coming reunion, and maybe trying it again in a new area, the Bay Area. And how exciting that would be. It would be sort of like college, but this time we would have jobs and money.

Life for me has been very ironic. I have always had an urge to leave home, and everytime I come home the urge grows stronger. I love my family, but after my brother's marriage, my friends turned into my family away from home. My home away from home was now my home. Home is in my head. But now I find myself at the crossroads as I am wating to see what immediate path it will take. Staying at my current job is not an option; for the forseeable future maybe, but there are no long term aspirations. The fear of love and then losing hurts, but there was always that risk when we entered into the agreement. Plainly stated, I haved mourned that loss since I arrived here from France in May, and my optimism has dwindled to a point that I have started to make alternative plans. In a sense it feels like I am being unfaithful making alternative plans but my girlfriend and I both know that this is not the time to stop, and moreover, stop for someone else. It sounds selfish, but that is the one important thing that I have learned from my girlfriend.

What a bitter pill for a sickening reality.

UN Declares Middle East Crisis "Catastrophic"

2006-07-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

Correct me if I am wrong, but were free and democratic elections supposed to turn around the Middle Eastern region? Could someone tell me what went wrong then? After witnessing a democratically elected government in Iraq, Palestine, and the "Cypress Revolution" in Lebanon, I guess it goes to show that democracy is a ground-up transition that cannot be forced upon a country.

By simply tracing the events, I would have to argue that the current crisis in the Middle East can be traced back to the Bush Administration's foreign policy in many ways. After 9/11, the administration's stance has been to take it to the terrorists by any means necessary, and this ideology has been largely one of the reasons for a senseless invasion into Iraq. Next, because our behavior sets the tone for the rest of the democratic world, our senseless violence has only raised the bar for other countries in reaction to terrorism with more acts of senseless violence. In this case one could argue that Israel does have a right to protect itself, an argument that I could support, but one could, as I do, argue that the Israeli reaction to the abduction of the two soldiers is one of complete over-reaction. For every Israeli killed in the subsequent rocket attacks by Hezbollah, there have been roughly ten killed by Israeli repraisals. That should not go unmentioned. It is clear that Israel had this objective planned for many years, because just like 9/11, there reaction to the abductions seems way too overblown to use the justification that we won't stop until the soldiers are released and the militia disarms. In fact, both sides are rejoicing because they both have been waiting for this moment for a while. It's like watching to boxers who had talked shit to each other through press-conferences finally getting their chance in the ring.

Because US foreign policy has already racheted-up the level of retaliation and pre-emption, where the US would normally tell Israel to decrease the level of violence or practice more restraint, the Bush administration has totally lost all credibility because all they need to do is point to our current military obligations for justificaiton for their own actions. Simply put, "how can you tell us to stop when you started an agressive war in Iraq for the same reason."

But this all started with the election of Hamas. We insisted on implementing symptoms of democracy without even attacking the sickness of inefficient government in Palestine. When people have been taken advantage by one ineffective party for decades, along with humiliation by the occupying Israelis, it seems natural that they would elect a group that promised a better life while sticking it to the occupers. Does that surprise you? It seems like human nature of an oppressed peoples. As a result of those ill-timed elections, we have witnessed a shut-down on Palestinian society, violent infighting between the factions, an international siege on the region as global powers denie the democratically elected government aid, and as a result, desperate acts such as the abduction of the first two soldiers by Hamas, not Hezbollah. It was only after the large publicity that the first abductions received that Hezbollah joined in on the publicity cash-cow. In the meantime, Iran is deflecting attention away from its blossoming nuclear program, and guys like Newt Gingritch are titling this new escalation as the beginning of World War III.

So much for the spread of democracy.

FREE PETITE ANGLAISE

The Misguided State of the Union

2006-07-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

I titled this entry the "Misguided State of the Union" in response to an interview that I heard on NPR, of John Dean discussing his new novel called "Conservatism without a Conscience." I was immediately compelled to the interview as the author explained how he believed that the country is a couple steps away from being a fascist country. He was just declaring the Bush Administration a fascist administration, but he rather explained how the crux of the Republican Party, and mainly conservatives have take a hard-line, authoritarian approach and that they are developing a structure conducive to fascism. Some of his examples were obvious such as Don Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, and even Bill Frist, but this is a compelling argument. And I don't want to sound as if I am bandwagoning because I spent an afternoon trying to find an exact word to accurately describe the political system. It's easy to just a sort of run-of-the-mill example such as a democracy, but political theory 101 leads us to believe that it is not the system of democracy as described my Plato and Rousseau, where the populace takes a participatory role in governing the country. It is not at all like that.

It is rather a Republic, meaning that we elect people, the brightest and most capable, to represent our interest at the state and federal level, with various branches to re-enforce a system of checks and balances. Furthermore, there is aristocratic institution authorized by the constitution that was set in place to protect the rights in the Constitution from allowing an authoritarian president from rising. With that said, since the beginning and definitely after the Civil War, the country has been moving down the path of an empirial presidency. Coupled with this phenomenon is the resurgence of the religious right's influence on the political arena forming a sort of religion that is Christian at its base, but is more of a national religion that works lock-step with this current idea of American exceptionalism. With the erosion of civil liberties, apathy of the American populace, a rising religion belief based on Christianity and nationalism, and a foreign policy set to control and protect American interest by any means necessary, I am led to believe that the United States is truly transforming into a fascist naiton.

The structure of the fascist transformation has been laid in place for over a century, and it has taken successive presidents, precedents, bureaucrats, and lawmakers, to exacerbate the problem; Abraham Lincoln, Joseph McCarthy, George Bush, Richard Nixon, Donald Rumsfeld, and John Yoo are some that come to mind. They have abandoned traditional conservatism that has sought to minimize the role of the federal government, and sought a government with the strongest amount of central authority that the country has ever seen. In most evey circumstance, national security has been the driving force behind this strengthening of the office of the President, as Lincoln claims that he had to do it to save the Union, McCarthy was protecting us from the commies, and Bush and his administration are saving us from the terrorist. But in every case the office of the President is left stronger than it was initially. And in this case, civil liberties are constantly being rescinded with the consent of the American people along with the rise of authoritarian personalities in key roles of the government.

This has become even easier with the rise and flourishing of the evangelic movement and it's influence on the political system. Evangelicals have fought very hard to influence the politics over the past twenty years and their influence has come to a head. Furthermore, with attacks from Muslim etremists, it has bolstered their position of interolerance and exceptionalism for a religion does not believe at all in any notion of pluralism. Coupled with the fact that they tend to be forgiving of their own brethen no matter what mistakes he or she makes, it was by accident then that G.W. Bush prayed "in Jesus' name" in front of many public speeches to his base. We must remember that politics in calculative.

The result of course is of a following a people who sit well with ideas of "trust us" from powerful leaders. In their circle they are lead by pastors in a top-down structure, in which their moral guidance in passed down from God, the Bible, and ultimately the pastor who is the spiritual leader. Furthermore, by believing the "god does everything for a reason" , it then become easy to extrapolate that the President was put into this position for a reason, giving him even more credibility.

Of course this idea of complacency is even more complex, but given that this Evangelical movement has taken over the Presidency, politics, and has been intertwined with American Nationalism and the idea of American Exceptionalism, I would declare that the conditions are right for a fascist government to rise. In studying past fascist regimes, it is clear that these regimes rise and capitalise on catastrophic events that lead the public into believing that a strong authoritarian is needed to steer the country from this perceived threat. Only then does the threat become the government itself as it is forced to fight external pressures, but also internal pressures as the populace becomes its enemy and challenge to its survival and existance.

Check out the Project for the Old American Century at their website by clicking on my title. These views are my own and are not affiliated to the website.

15 Days and Waiting

2006-07-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a typical Sunday; I woke up and made a cup of tea, a cigarette with my tea, and then I placed myself in front of the television for the Sunday morning political talk shows. The crisis in the Middle East led the headlines and it just seems that things will get much worse before they begin to get better. I played around on my computer, read some blogs, and I was acosted online by my ex-girl while she threw a thousand questions at me about what she should do with her life and her new half-relationship. I have subsequently moved on past that relationship, but that conversation definitely reminded me of why I am so glad I eventually tore myself from that terrible relationship. I don't even blame her for all the unhappiness, because for the most part, I was so unhappy because daily I would realize more and more that she was not the girl for me. I just didn't want to trade in my sex life to be honest.

But that conversation did remind me of how I am so happy with my current situation even if she is halfway across the world. It's nice having someone with which you have committed to each other and it is now the goal to live up to that commitment. Granted it is a daily struggle, but there is never these questions of what should I do with my life, or I want to do something different but I can't because I don't know where we stand. At least we know where we stand and we are working towards a common goal.

With that said, I am still waiting to see if I will gain a post in the London internship program. I am well aware that my profile is not as competitive as the majority of candidates, but I have received emails saying that they will be placing the majority of candidates and this will be the largest placement in the program's history. Does that mean that my profile was that bad. I mean, my grades are far from stellar, but my interview, recommendations, international work experience, and general affability don't stand for anything? Mais ç'est pas vrai! Given the general level of unorganization that I have witnessed, I am hoping that I will at least be chosen hopefully after all the best candidates have been chosen. In the meantime, my girlfriend is patiently waiting, arms extended as she has already found a job and housing near London so that we can continue with our lives together, hoping that it moves into a promising future. Until then I will continue to wait for the call.

Happy-sad-happy again

2006-07-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today started off very well as there was something truly in the air. First of all, the car had been in the shop because little old ladies need their air-conditioning. Could you imagine my grandmother and great-grandmother rolling around in the Nashville heat and humidity with no AC. My grandmother is terrified of driving, and she claims that she can't see. I do though find it funny that if she wants something bad enough, or just wants to get outside the house, she wastes no time in getting into the car and going where ever she needs to go, even if it involves getting on the dreaded interstate. Needless to say, I think that she enjoys a chauffeur and having an errand boy around, aka me. So shortly after a nice, big, American breakfast, I get a call from my uncle saying that the car was ready and that I could go with him to pick it up. This was music to my ears because Saturdays I have a routine and I can't do that routine without a means of transportation. And because the repair was ahead of schedule, that meant that I could go ahead with my routine of the bank, and then my cercle de conversation à l'Alliance Française sans souci! This was great and finally I am so glad that I mustered enough gumption to go to the meeting and sit and read poetry with other francophiles like myself.

But the day took a sudden change after picking-up my uncle in the afternoon. Even though he has a car, it is not abnormal that he calls me to bring him to my grandmother's house where I live. He seemed a little wordy today, but this isn't anything out of the normal. As he says, "I like to philosophisize," and that he was doing in full force. I then notice that he was slightly slurring his speech, and was even having more trouble walking, and this struck me as strange. He drinks often, but usually he waits for sundown. I knew something was wrong. From then on the day wasn't the same, and I simply had to take a nap to escape the abnormality. It wasn't abnormal to see him drunk, but I couldn't deal with him because he was slightly volatile; not in a violent way, but very volatile.

By the end of the day we had gotten down to the crux of the issue. The fact of the matter is that my uncle has not dealt with the change in his life, and he is a lay-off or some other terrible event, away from break-down. My heart went out to him as I was able to give advice with the sort of ease of someone who has only lived twenty-five years, but it can be said that I do have the ability of moving on. I don't claim to be very religious, but I do love philosophy. I was harkened back to something I read about the definition of "hopelessness." It's the idea that man is powerless, and that there are certain things in life that are out of our control. When we try to control these things the only thing that we can do is ruin the thing we're trying to control much more than we could ever improve the certain issue. It's not until we realize this hopelessness that we're completely free. That is not to say that one comes to this euphoria or zen, because it is a daily struggle, but it is to say that it is a way to cope with things, and eventually becomes a more naturally and then almost a way of life. I only hope that I can continue through life with the same optimism because I have come to the realization the only certainty in life is that it is uncertain, and that every decision counts from now on. Scary huh?

Connect to a World of 'Darkies'

2006-07-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

It's now the end of lunch time at work and it been a good day so far. One of my supervisors who objected to the "unity" art work for our outgoing invitations finally whined to the director until she got her way. Cheers to for all your minutes of pain. I swear that if racial sensitivity has gotten that severe then we need to just give up right now. I only wish that I could post the sign for everyone to see. You could see how ridiculous and paranoid it is to turn such a harmless symbol into a racial issue. I understand why white get annoyed with blacks playing the race card.

I am going to go one full weekend without a car because the air-conditioner is being repaired. In my opinion that is a terrible reason to be without a car because I don't really believe in running the air conditioner. I could easily live without it. But my grandmother incists on it and it is her car. But because of this, the one thing that I look forward to all week, I will not be able to attend; my meeting with au cercle de conversation a l'Alliance Francaise. This is a group meeting where francophiles get together and speak in French and discuss things francais. There is another young lady who did the same program in France and she is a pleasure to talk to. It's nice because we have a similar experience and that is why we go to the AF. In fact that is the reason why everyone goes there, we've all had some experience with France that we don't won't to every forget. Needless to say I can't go tomorrow and even more, I will be condemned to the house for the whole weekend with no money. Oh well, that also means that I won't be spending money either I guess.

Love and Loss

2006-07-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

Things are so uncertain that it is almost scary. I live in Nashville, TN, the Bible Belt, and it seems that every time I have a question about my state of disorientation, I seem to always get a question about God, and how he will guide me path if I trust in him. I find myself to be very agnostic, or maybe not agnostic, but just that I believe in pluralism. But that's for another day. The truth is, up until last year, life seemed to be so secure and I had the since that everything would just fall into place. In Fact, my time in France was just the time I needed to get my head together before going out into the real world. I had the unfortunate luck of falling in love with my Austrian roommate and we are having trouble with reuniting. Seven months was just enough time to fall in love, but not enough to make a commitment for one of us to relocate in order to be together.
Therefore, we decided to reunite in a mutual territory, England. I applied to an internship program while she, another teaching assistantship . She has been awarded a position while I am still waiting to hear from the organization. The problem is that I could hear at the last minute, and in the meantime, I am losing confidence. One thing that is for certain is that I cannot remain in Nashville and I am already planning on moving to the West Coast if I am not awarded a position with the internship. And damn my boss is realy getting on my nerves and it's only 10:00am.
The unfortunate thing is that I really believe that I have found love, but laws and logistics prohibit me from moving further. Evenmore, no matter where I find myself in Nashville, I honestly hate every minute of being in the south. I have found that working for blacks, my own people is a lot worse than working with the so-called white man. I swear that I have never had to worry about half the things that I do now. Three-fourths of them being non-work related.
But I do remain optimistic because being with my girlfriend encompasses also my goals and dreams for the immediate future. Of course I have a back-up because in this day of uncertainty, can't be jumping out of planed with no back-up chute ya know. I just wish that she would take a chance on me and see what life was like here in the states. Oh well, I can't demand something from her that I am unwilling to do myself. But I don't want to lose her!
Abientot

Smiling Faces Don't Lie

2006-07-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

Whoa am I so glad that it's a new day. There has been big trouble in the office because my colleague was fired. I love how in the meetings they use crafty language such as the budget and so forth to basically say that you're fired. It would be so simple to just come out and say it but they have to use that crafty language. Anyway, even though she was my best friend in the office, she had it coming because her work habits were very bad. She was continuously late, and when you're a temp, you're just an "account" that can be "revised" at anytime. You have to be smarter than that. The sad thing is watching how all the jealous women in my office talked so bad about her to me and then when the meeting came to fire her, they're are smiling and acting like she is going to be greatly missed. One in particular, who is the root of all gossip in the office, even confided in me about how she is going to get the procedure started. Now she is talking like someone in the office has died and "I can't believe that P. is gone." Stop lyin! I sensed the two-facedness in my office and so I never get involved, but how can you tell me to my face that you don't like someone and then nearly come to tears when you see that she is leaving. When she said she was going to start the process to fire her. What irony!

The reckoning!

2006-07-12T01:34:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over two months since I have returned to France and all I can think about is being there again. It's funny though because I don't have the nostalgic visions of France that I had after visiting Europe for the first time in 2003. This time it was more real to me as I was actually living there, and not doing a crash course, "Eurotour" in a month. It wasn't just champagne et fromage, but also chomage et ouvriers. I lived in an area that had lots of poverty and unemployment, and it wasn't the idealic France that we are prone to having here in the United States. Above all, I miss the love I found in one of the most unsuspecting people that I met there. I fell in love with my Austrian roommate and we are still working at our relationship from across the pond. It is funny to think that upon meeting each other, we detested each other. I avoided her like the plague during our orientation in Reims. Her level of French was far more superior than my own. She thought I was "cooler than the other side of the pillow," and therefore didn't want to have anything to do with me. It's even more odd that we turned out to be roommate. Even more strange that we now say we're in love.

I am working on getting a copy of that clipart online so that you can see it. In the meantime, dig this photo!
But now I find myself working in Nashville, TN which is my hometown. I didn't believe much in the whole reverse culture shock theory, but it creeps up in the most unsuspecting ways. I never expect such phenomenon to affect me but I am beginning to realize that I am not invincible. It seems that I have been in a perpetual state of culture shock because I moved from Nashville to Boulder, CO for six years where there are very few people of color. I couldn't help notice that I was always almost the only black in my lectures, at parties, on my block, but it was a liberating feeling to feel that race was not the dominant issue. Furthermore, after going to France, I felt like I was completely free because even though I am American, and they hate Americans, I was always viewed as just American because that superceded me being black. But they didn't even see me as black because actually I am brown. That's not to say that racism doens't exist in these places, but I have realised that after returning to the South I am immediately reminded daily that I am black.

But the irony is that more blacks remind on my status than whites. I mean it is true that whites have the advantage that they do not see race because they are the majority culture, but is it truly necessary to see everything in such a fashion. For instance, I created a document for my offices career fair in which I found a clip art that I thought was very appropriate. It fit the slogan something to the effect of "connect to a world of students." The art was of a globe with small "black" people holding hands with colorful t-shirts surrounding the globe which obviously symbolised all the races of the world. The "black" characters had more to do with directing the eye to the shirts, and didn't suggest in any way the idea of race. That's when I realized that this place is not for me. True there is still a struggle. But I have come to believe, especially after working in a black university, that many old-timers here feel that they are not only victimized by the white-man, but they must continue the struggle for the purpose of the struggle. Maybe my jeunesse allows me to overlook such subtlties, but I would prefer this naïveté than to live a sensitive alarm always on guard for such offenses, real or perceived.