Awaiting a Potential Letdown

There is nothing harder than waiting to hear bad news that you were already expecting, but that is exactly the situation that I find myself in. Back in January I decided to apply to an internship in London which was in a way hedging my bets. My initial motivation was having the opportunity to continue to live in Europe (or Britain) and hopefully continue my relationship with my friend that I had met in France. I made the decision on my own, but she then agreed to pursue the idea with me, as this was basically the only chance that we had of continuing our relationship. Let it be known that falling in love with a foreigner can have strange and harsh reprocussions. In this instance culture and racial differences didn't play a role, but simply the laws of the land are preventing us from moving forward.

The irony is that I thought that my position with the internship was a shoe-in, and that she would have the hard part of being accepted to an assistanship in Britain. She applied to the program after the deadline, placed on a waiting list, and furthermore the chances of being placed in or near London were slim to none. She even prolonged her mandatory student-teaching position in Austria in order to pursue the program, i.e. the relationship.

The reality up to the point is that I am still waiting, having fulfilled all my preliminary obligations, while she has been granted a position and lodging, and her town is not at all far from London. All the pressure came to a head yesterday while talking to her for our weekly phone conversation. I tried tremendously to avoid the subject as possible, thinking that total negligence would grant us one more week of naive bliss, but her persistance would not allow the conversation to end without knowing the progress of the process.

I let go of my inhibitions a little and was brutally honest for a second, admitting that I don't feel confident about my chances, and quickly recanted as I could here the despair in her voice. This shocked me because normally her attitude is, "Well you tried, but I can't wait for you." You see, in normal parlance she has this stroke of independence that could scare any man, no matter how strong he is, but this time it was a little different. She asked what my plans were in the event that I don't go, and I fired away.

"Well, I am working to save money, buying a car, and then moving to California. I also have a plan to volonteer.........."

At the end of my diatribe she sounded even more disheartened because evidently it seemed that I had taken considerable thought to this plan, delivering it with such ease that it suggested that I had already moved on. Needless to say I could hear the hurt in her voice, and this hurt me even more. I just didn't know what to do, but I owed it to her to give her the harsh reality. The sad thing is that she rearranged her short-term life to be with me and I feel as if I betrayed her; I wasn't able to deliver. It isn't supposed to happen like this.

Even worse, it happened like this the night before her birthday.

The good news is that I will find out definitely at the end of the week.