Hello imaginary blog world. It's been a while since I posted and I apologize, but it's not like there is anyone out there that reads my blog anyway! I had an interesting conversation with my grandmother right before coming to the coffeehouse where I am currently typing this email. My grandmother was telling me about how fortunate I am and how God has brought me this far. I didn't dispute because it was true, but then the conversation moved to how I should go to church because she promised my mother. I didn't dispute because I promise is a promise, but I don't want to break the news to them one by one that I don't see the value in going to Church. Ok, so sue me, but it seems so irrelevant to me because going to church and being spiritual to me are so unrelated. My ideas of church are:

Preachy
boring
conformity ( not just conformity but discouragement from any free-thinking thought process)
indoctrination
a slight tinge of bigotry
and for me, it's just not practical

This list is not exhausted, and I have no qualms with God. I just don't see the need because to me it seems that one has to subscribe to a certain belief system that at it's base has more to do with idealogy, dogma, and indoctrination, and less to do with God. Maybe I am being cynical, but I am being me and I am comfortable with that. 'Til next time!

One Week Later

Well a week has passed since receiving that ill-timed Dear John, from my old girlfriend and I must say that things are going well; I'm not hyperventilating and we've corresponded here and there. But tha's just the issue for me. I send her emails because I just have to. I like just saying hello and recounting funny things to her that happen in my daily life. But in a sense I don't want to inhibit her moving on process, although I am not arrogantly assuming that she is having a problem. I would never know sense she's in Austria, but I can assume that she's doing fine because I am doing relatively fine. It's quite a delicated issue, but in the same respects, I said that I wasn't going to mill about this time with my friends and family and just take control of my own relationship and situation. I will just keep doing what I am and if she doesn't want to continue she can just simply let me know. The thing is that we didn't have a bad break-up, and quite frankly the only thing that has changed is that we will not be going to London together. But that doens't mean that we can't correspond? I figure that when I our lives grown so seemingly apart then we will naturally just not correspond and that will be it. No "going out with a bang" just the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. I am just not one for burning bridges, and why overreact?

I Long for Days like These!

Today at the university where I work there was a conference that lasted all day. The cool thing about that is that it left me in the office all to myself while the staff attend the conference without me. Oh joy! That meant that I could spend the day searching the internet, and when I felt like it, type something for the director. Also, things here are looking brighter. Well the pay is still bleak as ever, but I will be the director's assistant, and I will therefore be more occupied that before. I will have meaningful work. That's great because that passes the time, and I feel like I am accomplishing something.

Outside of that, couldn't be better. I often think about my old squeeze, but each day that passes my coping skills grow stronger exponentially. I have also discovered a couple of books at the library that I cannot manage to tear myself from. I found a collection of essays by George Orwell that are magnificent, along with a volume of the de Beauvouir autobiography which is exquisite. It makes me mad that I didn't get the version in French when I was in France because I feel like the essence of her writing is lost in the translation. But it's a great read. And I noticed today that the book I have on hold arrived at the library today, "Conservatism without a Conscience," John Dean. There will be more promising rants about the rising fascist government in the US. I promise! Til then be vigilant because, "We are safer than before, but still not safe!"

Sunday started like every other Sunday. I woke up, drank a cup of tea, a cigarette, and then waited to call my girlfriend in Austria at two o'clock. But this time was different because I knew that it wouldn't be the normal conversation of just catching up on our week with each other, coupled with a sprinkling of jokes and laughs. This Sunday I was prepared to tell her that I didn't get into the internship and consiquently, it was the official end of our relationship, and effectively, our future plans that we had faithfully planned to follow.

With that said I carried the conversation as long as I could, and it was going well. There wasn't a hint of sadness and it began like any other conversation that we'd had the previoius Sundays, but the last twenty minutes everything would change because she had already noticed a change in weekly correspondence as I went three days without sending an email. In the back of her mind she knew that I didn't succeed with the program.

I was surprise for a second because she sounded very composed, which in turn allowed me to keep my composure. We talked as if we were negociating the final details of a contract, or a cease-fire rather. These would be the conditions, and these here are the conessions, and in the end "I'm an going to England all alone. But that would be good for my career because I want to teach English." But there was no hint of breaking all ties. That would come the day after.

I received an email Monday at work. There were two actually and they both contained very sexy photos of her, with text that read, "Si ca te fait trop mal de voir des photos, je m'arreterai." Well it was clear that seeing those photos really hurt because all I could think of were the other vultures, "men" waiting in line to pick-up where I left off. And every man has these thoughts after leaving a girl he loved. But the email was long, recounting all our wonderful moments along with all our plans we have made for England. It was so heavy that I couldn't read the email initially because I feared I would cry at work. But towards the end of the day I read it and then sent my response. In the end she stated that it's better that we didn't talk to each other and that she would call me before leaving for England. She also said that she was really hurt but was certain that we were in love. Well that went without saying.

I kept my composure all day at work because the pressures of work allow one to forget, but once I got in the car and readied myself to drive home I was so overwhelmed with grief that I thought I was going to faint. I was having that same creeping feeling, as if something were under my skin, that I get when I smoked so much pot that I all I wanted to do is black-out and wake up the next mourning because the high was just too overwhelming. I made it home okay, but these past two days have been the hardest. It's hard because it's truly hard to give up someone you love. It's hard dating a foreigner sometimes being that laws are hard to manipulate, and my emotional stamina had been wiped-out in this process. The only concession is that I feel that I have a friend for life, and after this initial period of grief, a great friendship will come out of it. Or maybe the whole thing will wander off into the obscurity of my wonderful memories of my experience in France.

It's Official + 5 Concessions

Well it's official. I haven't heard back from the internship program, but my returning flight to Paris was today and I did not change the flight in time so that I didn't lose the ticket. In a sense it really sucks because I really wanted to do the program so that I could be with my Belle, but I am slightly relieved because there is some closure to that chapter. It's one of those situations where one says, "I can start the grieving process." Now I am grieving but I will move on, and beautiful California awaits me!

5 Concessions for staying (in no particular order):

5. I get to see the birth of my brothers first child!!!!

4. Opening day of the college football season, and the season for that matter! (Fuck'em up, fuck'em up, GO CU!)

3. I get a chance to paddened my savings account, something I've never done.

2. Getting the opportunity to start my adult life and volunteering with the France-American Chamber of Commerce.

1. Living in the Bay Area and joining the Raider Nation!

As with most things in life, a loss also signifies a gain. My girlfriend is truly remarkable and I will never be able to find love like that again. I will find love, but it will be different. But that's a good thing too. But now I know that I don't need to settle for just good enough, and that's one good thing that she tought me. In the same, after the first time that I visited the Bay I knew that I would live there one day, so in a sense I don't loathe my misfortune with the internship. It's exciting sometimes to just step out into the unknown and try to carve out my proper space in a new place. Hell, I did that in France and look at all the pleasure that brought me. And by the way, France I will be back and you never know the next time may be for good!!!

A Visit

Yesterday I had the opportunity of having another assistant that I met in France come and visit me. He lives in Kentucky, which is just up the highway from me, and we both share the same sentiment for wanting to escape this black-hole that we have come to call Dixie! It was quite funny how we met; we arrived at the orientation in Reims, France, and we both appeared to be the two most shy people at the center so naturally we would be drawn to each other. I was very intimidated because everyone was rattling off in French, even the Anglophones were speaking French to each, and I was intimidated because after all my years in French class my hopes of speaking French were shattered after spending a week in Paris. By the time that I had met Tyler, my would be girlfriend unbeknownst to us both, had just insulted me and my competence in French. In a conversation in French, she finally forfeited and suggested "That it would be easier to just speak in English." Mind you that she is Austrian!

So I saw Tyler standing there, looking as if he were German. We talked and discovered that we had similar interests:, we're both chain smokers, jazz, European women, and a general happiness to be out of the United States and the Republican wave that was sweeping the country. This was happening during the time right after hurricane Katrina, so I was so excited to leave because it was just "Hot!" Leaving the country during all that grieving was the best thing for me after waking everyday and crying after watching the news and listening to the radio. It was just too hot!!

Throughout the whole period in France I never saw Tyler again, after making numerous attempts to contact him. He was too bogged down with the GRE and graduate school apps. Needless to say, he didn't finish the whole process and currently finds himself in a rut, but that happens sometimes.

So we talked and went to a used album store here in town, and afterwards we went back to my house and discussed our future plans a little bit. I worked with a student group in which I assisted students coming and going from overseas internships while at uni. Part of the program was counseling students who were returning from abroad and how to deal with reverse culture shock. I didn't think that it was possible, but after two months here I totally believe in it. It seems that it has taken an even greater toll on Tyler because he told me that he was having an even harder time finding his motivation. He didn't finish his grad-school apps and now he's like me, looking for the next city to move to. He's thinking Seattle, me San Francisco. But it's evidence that in a sense we're both somewhat kendrid spirits because our personalities are quite similar, we have a low tolerance for bullshit, we like soothing eclectic abstract music, and our complete disliking of Bush and Republican politics. It was also good because it gave us the opportunity to encourage each other and basically bounce our ideas off of each other to have the other one say, "That's a great idea, why didn't I think of that," or "yeah man you should run with that!"

It's just a testiment that my assistant ship in France I believe was positioning me for something greater for the future. I find it easier and easier to go with my gut instinct after that trip. I want to be moving, but making sure that I am moving in the right direction, constantly asking myself if this current position in life falls in line somewhere with my short-term/long-term goals. Not for the money, but all for the love. With the contacts that I made, I now have friends near and afar, and made one day we can work and encourage each other. I believe in conncections and because of the trip I made 10-15 solid ones. I can't help but reminisce, but that's my fuel that keeps my motor running. It keeps me going. It's the tiger in my tank.

Un coup de realite

This has been the most pressing week for me as it becomes more clear that my hopes for going to London have practically been extenguished. I am tremendously saddened over the outcome, but I don't really know how to handle the situation emotionally. I was talking to the assistant director of the department where I work, just to vent, and I found that by venting sometimes, I find clairity more and more.

My conclusion is that because we had a really great relationship, even though our future is over we can still remain friends. A year ago I would have never understand this concept because I never understood how one would want to befriend their ex's, but if any new girlfriend were to tell me to stop all contact with my current, soon to be ex, I would tell her to shove it. It is so hard to deal with in the sense that even though we have already been away from each other for three months, we never really started the mourning process, because even when we left it was under the pretext that we were getting back together. Now it is almost official and I cry internally, but crying is pointless at this point. Now all I have are many pictures, videos, great memories, and a link with someone that will always go unmatched. I will keep in touch with her and I will always want to hear the progress that she is making in her life because above all she is a great friend. It's just sucks to have something that good and then lose it, even if we knew the end from the beginning. I guess that's the worst part, knowing the end from the beginning.